First and foremost, I must commend you on securing for yourself the most wonderful human being to call your… bae. You must understand that I love her dearly and have a strong inclination to cause harm to anyone one who might cause her even the slightest amount of pain. My loyalties lie insurmountably with my bosom friend and in contradiction with our esteemed US civil law, you are guilty until proven innocent in my book.
However, conversely, I wish blessings on the head of the one who fulfills her dreams and recognizes her both internal and external beauty.
Since you have proven yourself thus far, and may I say, only with my blessing, have you proceeded in securing your jewel. This caveat being now explained, I will continue with the true intentions of my correspondence, which is to advise you on certain aspects of your ensuing courtship and give you fair warning on what may result if you fail to heed my warnings.
I wish you the utmost success –
Concerning Your Attire.
You must at all times dress to impress. A collared shirt is not always necessary, but for heavens sake, look like you tried putting a little effort into your looks. When all goes wrong, your one saving grace may be that you know not to wear socks with your sandals. However, when your Bae is rocking the messy bun, sweats and minimal makeup, you must, and I do mean must, compliment her beauty. You don’t know all she must deal with from day to day, so never be put off that she was unable to ‘wow’ you.
Concerning your manners.
You must treat her like the princess she is. Show her that chivalry is not dead. Open doors, pull out chairs and never, ever let her pay for anything. This will show her that you think she is incapable of caring for herself and insult her very being. Do not insult her by opening doors. She is strong and independent.
Also, watch your table manners. You know, the basics – no elbows on the table, no chewing with your mouth open, eat at a normal pace…etc. This is also for my benefit… and all mankind.
Concerning your communication.
You must communicate often. I do mean very often. A woman’s mind never fails to wander and exaggerate any conversation (or lack there of), especially when conducted over a text message. Start conversation frequently, tell her you need her and love her (when you get to that point). This will show her a multitude of things. One, that she is desired, second that you are needy and third that you wear your emotions on your sleeve and are codependent. Stay away from words such as, ‘K’, ‘Whatever’, and ‘Fine’. These are fighting words. When you receive such messages, flowers, potentially chocolate are in order.
Concerning your attitude.
If you’re going to date her, you have to be all in. All the time. If you are going to be too tired to communicate, wanting to hang with the guys over my friend, or just be plain grumpy, pack your bags now. This behavior is inexcusable. You are not to snap, have a pouty day, say hurtful things or disrespect anyone. Ever. I hope that is clear.
If our mutual bond has an ‘off’ day, you are to quickly forgive and give her the benefit of the doubt. She has a lot of pressure and responsibilities to deal, none of which you could even begin to understand, so don’t try. Just get off her back and allow her to vent, when and how she needs.
During certain times of the month, this behavior is expected and graciously excused. Remember, she is right 99% of the time, the other 1% typically happens during this time of the month. If you find yourself on the correct side of an argument, you are to disregard the novelty, and adhere to protocol.
Concerning your family.
You must love your mother. This is important, so pay attention. We are all watching how you treat your mother. She must be the woman you love and respect the most. You must honor her, serve her and listen to her advice. By taking her advice, you will be known as a momma’s boy and the competition between Bae and your mother will begin. Bae must be the woman you love and respect the most, so you must take her advice and adhere to her wishes above all else, so be ready to stand up to your mother in her defense.
Concerning your friends.
Friends are a must. Obviously. You are whom you surround yourself with, so just welcome her into your group… and her friend(s). Your friends need to like her, so instruct them so. She needs to see how you interact with your friends – be the cool, sensitive guy, the one everyone likes. At the same time, don’t just leave her to fend for herself at a party. Oh, and don’t be the cool guy with all of the other friend-girls. Jealousy is easy to ignite in a woman. Don’t go down that path.
Ok, well that should do it for now. Good luck, I’ll be watching your every move and hearing about your every conversation.
Your girlfriend’s best friend
Hopefully this was entertaining, but I hope this made you think as well. What do we expect of men? We expect them to be brave and strong and stifle the sensitive. But, when they show sensitive, we call them ‘momma’s boys’ and want them to Balboa up. Perhaps we should sit back and let the man that God created shine on his own. We just might be surprised by the non-Hollywood man.